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DEATH TRANS

by TYPHOIDMARY

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1.
"herein laid mass grave like, my collected thoughts now scattered far and wide like so much seed, to be eaten by birds or grow into worlds occupied by a thousand more 'me's" i'd follow you to where the sun won't rise to meet with you on the night that i die. i swallowed whole my human debt to breed to finally know who father wouldn't let me be; and how i tried to be someone i wanted to be, i sank into the lungs of an earth who won't sustain me, then exhaled to see light that could never be so bright, so i'll go blind when i'm back inside her chest. infernal star, give up on me; i've no more need for eyes to see. if i fail didn't i at least try [if absolving changes anything]? and i trailed mid diatribe in this empty room i'm screaming at. i can't tell the sun not to rise [as if darkness ever held me dear], but i'll wait for you day and night; if i die first i'll be there.
2.
i started a fire... all the leaves i'd walked over for years came to know my sadness, felt my fear as they burned up. i'd be throwing shade from my glass roofed tomb and if it comes down i'll know that i'm finally alive, and yet it's all for nothing. when i dream the colours are all there- on waking slowly draining, done trying to care. they draw my sickness in from the air and it goes on til death. i'd be throwing shade from my glass roofed tomb and if it comes down i'll know that i'm finally alive and yet, and yet, and yet, and yet, i'm not.
3.
from our parents i got a heart that beats but doesn't feel a thing; they left the other half with you another world away. i cast myself out into stormy seas pursuing every trace of you and if to find you i must drown then drown and die i will. i ripped jesus from the holy cross so instead i could pray to you and make my body in your image, a surface level shrine to you; she who could not live so that i could; who didn't exist so that i could and when the parish sees my handiwork they recoil in contempt of me, but my mission transcends them and i need you. though ostensibly i will fail can you take me with you? i need to see for myself the shade of grass beneath your footsteps; she who could not live so that i could; who didn't exist so that i could [a brief nod to the boy who replaced you, but he died when his heart got broken by they who i must not speak of lest their name be the password to some pandora's box lid; and three cheers to whatever his name was, he had no heart but i saw his sadness for he knew and it pained him-that last picture; that mournful acceptance in his eyesof being consigned to the void]
4.
you want to be the hare that never got tired? well roll the dice again. the courage it must take to know your future is but dirt under their boots and they'll be dancing on your grave tonight. "is this deja vu? is this deja vu? i got a few choice words for you and they're blowing in the wind as i repeat them, and it won't go as planned, my whole life be damned; if i pull one head from the sand when i burn in the fire, i'll break the cycle" and the pain... oh sweet angel i'd take it all, i'd give you my skin if you live! but you got your wish right? it's finally over, someone somewhere remembers and in them you'll live forever they built another hill for you to die on but you wanted level ground; so the fallout of your death reached out for miles; when they looked you in the eye did they even see you as human? beaten black and blue, speak when spoken to; my words are overdue as you sleep with the fish and i float above you you lived a brazen life, i stayed home terrified. you inverse lullaby, you've kept me awake since the day that you died and i can't go on. i can't go on. i can't go on. i'm too far gone and i can't go on. she spoke of equality, she spoke of love and of no one left behind; all that utopian shit we run scared of because our false idols say so! and in truth are we not more godless now than we've ever been? oh but we speak endless words, meaningless platitudes that uphold the status quo whilst the body count rises! and words like freedom- what the fuck do they mean when only applied to those with birthright? it means nothing's wrong and so nothing needs changing and if you were born wrong then, well... better luck next life.
5.
i bore a hole into your skin, delved through the wreckage deep within to find untold beauty long hidden; the heart that won't let the poison win. in time my world too fell apart, succumbed to the fires i start, and i'd walk back through them to where you are- we'd glow as we burned up like stars. and still at my darkest, you remain, adding on my burden to your weight, and i clung in the tightest embrace before we descend into dark space. and they'll hear on the days we were born: mother earth weeps, for mother earth sees the hurt we birthed within. mother earth weeps, mother earth bleeds to fill our emptying veins mother earth breathes, we in turn feel the love that she bestowed; thus we share. they'll hear on the days we were born: mother earth weeps, for mother earth sees the hurt we birthed within. mother earth weeps, mother earth bleeds, and you won't let me breathe but i won't hurt you, even see you- i'll pass on unaware, blind, grateful.
6.
your gravity pulled and i floated between the beautiful world i knew and the one i'd barely seen. you orbited close for the briefest time and observed loaded glances and my premature goodbye. i await the day when you'll be out of my head. any day now you'll be out of my head. god bless the day when you'll be out of my head any day now you'll be out of my head. and were you even wise to the storm you brewed? at first it raged within me and slowly subdued, and left in its wake the emptiness that's mine. there's nothing for you to destroy so i resumed life long past the day when you'll be out of my head. all but forgotten you'll be out of my head. long past the day when you'll be out of my head. devoid of all meaning, we are better off dead. a worthless experience, a ghost of a dream that'll come back to haunt me until i decease; and that fire keeps on burning even with no reason to live- there was never one within me, i had never one to give
7.
Mary-Eternal 03:38
[blessed chains on my wrists, marked for death, motherless; open sores, burned out heart; dark design, guiding star...] like the furthest ring from saturn, i cling by a thread, and fragile as my sense of self is, i could leave my head any time.. every vessel cursed at birth with failure by design, and all my lifetimes' masquerading rotted out my mind. you want the truth? you're heading down that flight of stairs like all the rest; your heavy heart's like a rock to the sea, forgotten just the same as me; but i'll eject and plant that seed before that fate becomes of me. you want the truth? you're heading down that flight of stairs like all the rest, your heavy heart's like a rock to the sea, but you want more, an open end to the tome you write? then change your ink and scrawl our names in cyanide.
8.
from suffering children to adults cowering behind brave faces, gender binary masks issued at birth, no exceptions, enforced conformity under threat of ostracisation; in spite of this i followed my heart to you [alicia, who died first? sister, if they put me to death i'll wait the 50 some years else atone my lateness] "lurking within me all i can feel these memories so somber this beating chamber from all its labour rendezvous/end of days bleeding through its heavy chains" designed by a creator to be perfect and yet hate that very perfection; brandish knives to cut out the boy, the tumour killing her off. he is worthless, aesthetically right but nothing on the inside so what's his life? what's his life to us? [alicia, eyes open wide; it's your brother's bones you'll find in my grave but i did him no harm like you'll do with your shovel; so don't dig, they tell me hell is all that awaits down below, and you don't want to know...]
9.
i never showed you my worth [you never once enquired], and i succeeded at best to leave you uninspired; from then i'd see you in dreams staggering out to sea, and woke up knowing your fate's forever tied to me. one last time we wake the beast up and take stance, one more try through the motions, our last dance under the shadow of death [the graveyard of my youth], the song was gone with the wind so we improvise our moves; yet soon our limbs grow tired and we left in solitude; i woke up burning in sun forever dead to you. one last time we wake the beast up and take stance, one more try through the motions, our last dance before the end. you want to leave? i'll let you go... down... into the fires of hell; into the trap i set you want to live as a blank? there's life still in you yet. i am too jaded to breathe, i am a sinking ship, my anchor tied to your wrist, a grasp you'll never slip [well not entirely anyway, i only want to live on in your memory] i lie awake at night comparing what you speculate with who i am in reality. my only treasure is the remnants of right at the start where we felt so alive, hearts working overtime, fit to burst with yearning! ...and look at us now.
10.
the reflection exists where the original doesn't. the world is a hall of mirrors. we wonder whose image we project; we wonder who we're really looking at god only spoke once to disprove himself then fell silent forever and all meaning died. [down, further down, below the ground, father awaits. down, further down...] i robbed your grave every night for years seeking serenity if not actual purpose, and i never stopped to wonder why your skeleton stood four inches too high until i saw you alive and well, and the longing i felt for some kind of connection was gone; the body in the ground was my own and love swung in the wind from a noose [down, further down, below the ground, father awaits. down, further down...] i tried to transcend a sacred boundary; i tried to insert myself into your world. i should have stayed where i belong at the bottom of the sea, unknown and unseen, another world away; for all intents and purposes nonexistent to you and the rest of your kind. the pain i caused has come back to me tenfold. ocean reflects all the lost souls searching in vain for their abodes. try to believe and say what you see. when the light comes goes right through me- see, your heart's full, mine is empty; fit to expire, thrown on the pile. come one, come all, see me suffer. search the ocean where my grave is; the end of all mankind is all that awaits.

about

"DEATH TRANS" is a dark descent through its author's psyche. Deep dives into gender dysphoria, love and mental illness are framed within volatile soundscapes drifting between melancholy ambience and slashing riffs via androgynous, impassioned vocals to form a heady mixture of indie, post-hardcore and experimental rock.

Ambient pop artist Ethereal provides an alternate perspective within a moment of serenity amongst the chaos of "Death Trans" whilst goth/post-punk band Echoscope vocalist/multi-instrumentalist James Winter brings warmth to "Mother Earth Weeps". The centrepiece is a trilogy of deeply personal expressions of the author's own experiences of gender transition culminating in a final plea to leave the past buried.

TYPHOIDMARY is the project of Southampton, UK based transgender musician Mary Lovatt (Echoscope, Pivotal).

credits

released August 7, 2020

Produced by Mary Lovatt

All music and lyrics written and performed by TYPHOIDMARY

Artwork by Charlie Dixon
www.instagram.com/glitchycharlizard/

Additional vocals on track 5 performed by James Winter of Echoscope
echoscope.bandcamp.com

Additional music on track 6 written by Lee Pearce, Ollie Chandler and Tom Grace of Pivotal
pivotalband.bandcamp.com

Additional music and lyrics on track 8 written and performed by Ethereal
etherealmusic.bandcamp.com

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TYPHOIDMARY Southampton, UK

trans/emo/arthoe shit

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